On favors

My feelings about wedding favors have gone through several stages.

Stage 1. What's a wedding favor?
Stage 2. You mean that smelly sandalwood fan I got at C's wedding was a "favor"?
Stage 3. Oh, these coasters/personalized glasses/CD favors from my friends' weddings are fun!
Stage 4. Crap, I can't think of anything good to give as a favor. I guess we'll skip it.
Stage 5. What do you mean, favors are required to "thank your guests for coming to your wedding?"
Stage 6. What do you mean, these crummy plastic thingys are $2 apiece?
Stage 7. Grrr ....

A tiny silver bell with a hugging couple on top! Just what I've always wanted!

Image from www.americanbridal.com, and apologies to anyone who gave these out as their favors.

I think what has me so grumpy about favors these days is the emotional blackmail that goes along with them. The rationale behind giving favors is that it's a way to "thank your guests for attending." That's a nice sentiment, I guess, but the implied flip side is, "if you don't give favors, you are a bad hostess, you're not properly appreciating the presence of your friends and family, and your guests will feel unwelcome and unloved."

And that really rubs me the wrong way. I've been to weddings with favors and weddings without, and at the ones that didn't have favors, I never ONCE left the reception thinking, "gee, they must not be glad I came, they didn't give me a present." If you throw a great party and visit with all of your guests, they will feel welcome and appreciated even if they don't go home with a bag of color-coordinated M&Ms. Plus, the majority of wedding favors are just going to gather dust or go in the trash -- don't let the dreaded Wedding Industrial Complex guilt you into sending a pile of ugly plastic swans to the local landfill under the mistaken notion that said swans are the only way you can possibly let Great-Aunt Phyllis know how happy you were that she came.

That said, I've gotten some pretty cool favors that I've kept and still use (the aforementioned coasters, CD, and pilsner glasses), and if you run across something you love and can't resist giving to your guests, favors can definitely be a cute and festive addition to the celebration. But if inspiration fails to strike and your budget is stretched to the max, I don't think it's necessary to tear your hair out looking for the perfect geegaw to say "thank you" to your guests. Instead, why not just hug all of them and say "thank you" in person? That will never end up gathering dust in someone's drawer!

The "Anti-Wedding"?

I just read a very interesting article in the Washington Post about two friends' attempts to plan the "anti-wedding." You can read it here: The Anti-Wedding.

In a nutshell, Caitlin Gibson and Rachel Manteuffel, two frequent bridesmaids who were fed up with the insanity of the typical modern wedding, decided to offer their services to plan an "anti-wedding," one that would buck all of the conventions of the Big Bad Wedding Industrial Complex. They solicited submissions from couples willing to let them plan their wedding, and ended up organizing an event where their clients/guinea pigs were married on public property while the guests protested against the Big Bad Wedding Industrial Complex.

The article shone an interesting light on the assumptions our society holds about “weddings” – for one thing, it’s kind of disturbing to know that the Washington DC city government considers a wedding more disruptive than a protest!

But ultimately, I think Gibson & Manteuffel’s attempt to plan an “anti-wedding” was a resounding failure. A wedding ceremony held during a protest against the wedding industry is definitely unusual. But Gibson and Manteuffel's “anti-wedding” seems just as much shaped by the Big Bad Wedding-Industrial Complex (BBWIC) as the mega-celebrations featured in Martha Stewart Weddings. Their version of the “anti-wedding” seems to consist of saying “no” to anything that even hints at the BBWIC. You think it would be fun to get married in a botanical garden? Nope, sorry. Flowers are part of the BBWIC. Oh, you want to send out invitations so people know the time and place? But that’s so BBWIC! Let’s make them do a lengthy scavenger hunt in the rain instead! Frankly I’m surprised they let their bride purchase any kind of new dress at all (a new dress being part of the BBWIC) – from the tone of the article I half expected them to have both bride and groom say their vows while wearing old, stretched-out swimsuits and/or garbage bags.

In my opinion, if you’re structuring your entire wedding around saying “no” to what the latest issue of Modern Bride suggests, you are just as controlled by the BBWIC as the bride who thinks she has to copy those suggestions to the letter. Either way you’re letting other people define what you will and will not do instead of just going with the things that matter to you, whether or not they’re typical.

Furthermore, the Gibson & Manteuffel “anti-wedding” seems to have involved just as much stress, frustration, and detailed planning as a smallish “traditional” wedding in someone’s backyard. They investigated multiple "anti-wedding" locations only to be told that they needed permits or that weddings were forbidden on that particular property. To be honest, it sounds like they spent way more time finding a place to have their anti-wedding than Econo Boy and I did finding our venue! How is arguing with half a dozen city officials supposed to free us from wedding-planning madness?

I think a much more interesting, fun, and moving anti-wedding is this one that Manolo for the Brides blogged about last week: "It's a Nice Day for a Wet Wedding?" An Oregon couple said their vows underwater while scuba-diving. They planned the whole thing in 5 days. It centered around a favorite shared activity. It was small, intimate, free-spirited, and probably just what the couple wanted. Now that is an anti-wedding! (Even if the bride wore a veil.)