Tuesday, July 21, 2009

On gratitude

One of the things I've struggled with this week is gratitude, and how to balance the appropriate amount of gratitude with the appropriate amount of sanity-saving alone time and appropriately saying "no, I'm so sorry, we won't be able to do that." Let me elaborate.

Weddings that turn into "wedding weekends" get a lot of flack from the indie bride community. But now I see how they happen. Econo Boy and I are booked solid from Thursday night until Sunday brunch. It's not that we think we're super-cool and so important that our wedding deserves a ton of extra events. It's that we have lots of people traveling in from out of town who we want to see (result: Thursday night dinner with friends), and lots of family friends who are throwing offers for parties at us left and right (result: Sunday post-wedding brunch). We honestly don't care if people attend or skip the "extras," but people offered to host them, and really wanted to do these things, and so we said yes.

But to be honest? Brutally, totally honest? I wish the brunch would go away. And maybe a few of the other events too. I could use some down time this weekend.

And I feel awful for feeling that way. Because these family friends have worked so hard to put these events together, and they've done it out of love and warm wishes and all good intentions. But I am so. fracking. sick. of reviewing lists of people who haven't RSVP'd for Wedding Weekend Event X, and of answering questions about whether we prefer donuts or danish. Again, I know full well that these questions are posed with the best of intentions, and that the people posing them just want to make us happy, and I answer all of them promptly and with enthusiasm (sometimes faked). But what would really make me happy right now is not being asked any more questions!

So the lesson here is twofold. 1) Any events associated with your wedding WILL INVOLVE WORK FOR THE COUPLE. Even if they say "you won't have to lift a finger," trust me, there's work in there somewhere. Sometimes it's tracking down RSVPs, sometimes it's long and boring conversations about the guest list, sometimes it's constant questions about details. Be aware of this, and accept or decline offers to host such events accordingly. (It's OK to decline.) 2) Sometimes we end up resenting people who are trying to be kind. Take a deep breath and remember that they're trying to be kind before you let yourself get too far over the edge. In short, remind yourself to be grateful that people care about you guys enough to do this stuff, even if the danish vs. donut e-mails are driving you nuts. And if you really don't care about what they're asking, just flip a coin ;-)

5 comments:

Abbie said...

At the very beginning, we said we didn't want any plans after Saturday. At first, I felt bad. But now, I'm so glad we did! I feel like I'm running ragged not only with wedding stuff but also getting making sure everyone else is good to go. I'm tired!

accordionsandlace said...

I have nothing to say to this except yes times 10000003903029

LPC said...

It's OK. You are allowed.

class-factotum said...

My wedding, which involved just immediate family, a 15-minute ceremony, and a supper at a restaurant (along with houseguests, including my outlaws who had said they were not coming to the wedding and their son should not marry me but that's another story, for 11 days), exhausted me. I had a four-page project plan.

I used drugs to deal with everything. Should I send you some vicodin?

Ruthie said...

Good advice, I hadn't really thought about this...